Northern Italy pays special tribute to the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee with unexpected downpour

Torrential rain falls in Milan as Italians salute Her Majesty's 70th year on the throne. 

Only yesterday, the city of Milan was as humid and clammy as the armpit of a commuter holding onto the handrail of a suburban train. As pigeons struggled to find cool, shady spots and cats lounged luxuriously, thermometers turned blood red as the unrelenting heat slowly reduced the city to a burnt frazzle. But in a surprise move, the region has decided to send a positive post-Brexit message to the people of Britain and to Her Majesty the Queen in particular as she marks her 70th glorious year on the throne.

With perfect timing for the weekend, co-ordinated rain and hailstorms were delivered, completely crushing even the vaguest notion of enjoying a day out or just having a walk to the shops. Taking its cue from the UK, Lombardy has suddenly turned itself into a miserable, sodden island of depressed people glued to the TV and hunting for jumpers they had carefully packed away for the summer.

“I really feel like I’m back home in London,” said one long-term British resident of Milan, as he added two heaped spoons of tea leaves and one for the pot to the heavy brown ceramic teapot on his kitchen table. Sales of Marmite in the city’s expat shops have spiked and demand for crinkled orange cagoules at the region’s lakes has soared. Reports of disconsolate people sitting in caravans and playing Cluedo have yet to be confirmed, but it is understood that a woman in wellies with a Labrador was seen trudging across Piazza Duomo under a Radio 1 Smiley Miley golfing umbrella.

“We want to show the people of Great Britain that there is more to Italy than sunshine, outdoor aperitivos with Aperol Spritz and elegantly-served appetisers. We too are capable of producing gloomy, rain-soaked Saturday and Sunday afternoons when it actually seems like a good idea to sort your socks and underpants for the week ahead, rather than attending a chic gathering on a rooftop terrace with a DJ in a dinner jacket and a spectacular sunset,” said a spokesperson for the Lombardy Regional Planning Committee. 

While appreciated by the loyal subjects of Queen Elizabeth, the gesture on the part of the Milanese is not expected to interfere with the preparations for Republic Day on June 2nd, which should see hordes of cheerful Italians basking in bright sunshine. However, the traditional Bank Holiday deluge in the UK may still be averted due to the extended length of the break, which includes two extra days of festivities to mark the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee. Since public holidays almost never fall on a Thursday, the fine weather that invariably accompanies the working week in Great Britain should still be available, even though people will be outside in the street sitting at long tables and toasting the Queen with plastic cups of lukewarm Tesco’s prosecco.

© Robert Dennis 2022

robertdennis.it

Funny Conversation: the Swab Test

Mary is talking to Salvatore.

Mary: Hi, Salvatore. How’s it going? 
Salvatore: Oh, hi Mary. Fine thanks, what about you?
Mary: Yeah, not bad. So, what have you been doing?
Salvatore: Well, yesterday, I made a tampon test.
Mary: (drops her cup of coffee and there’s a loud CRASH!! and coffee goes all over the table). I beg your pardon???!!!!!
Salvatore: What do you mean… I beg…?
Mary: Oh, erm, “I beg your pardon” is a very formal way of saying “Excuse me?”. You say this when you haven’t heard what someone said – or you don’t understand it.
Salvatore: Oh, I see. Say it again.
Mary: (drops her coffee again) I beg your pardon???
Salvatore: I made a tampon test.
Mary: Er, what do you mean?
Salvatore: Well, I went to the clinic and I made a test…
Mary: Sorry, do you mean, you HAD a test? … You DID a test?
Salvatore: Yes, that’s right. I did a test.
Mary: For what?
Salvo: To see if I’ve got coronavirus.
Mary: Oh, I see! So, you did a swab test?
Salvo: What’s that?
Mary: Well, a swab is like a big cotton bud.
Salvo: A cotton bud?
Mary: Yeah, it’s a sort of stick with a piece of cotton wool on the end.
Salvo: Oh, you mean a cotton fioc?
Mary: A what?
Salvo: A cotton fioc. You know, like Johnson’s cotton fioc.
Mary: I’ve never heard of that.
Salvo: Oh, I thought that was the English name.
Mary: No. No-one in the English-speaking world has EVER used the expression “cotton fioc”. We say “cotton bud” in the UK and in America they say “cotton swab” or “Q-tip”.
Salvo: Oh, that’s strange.
Mary: So, what happened?
Salvo: Well, they put this big… cotton BUD in the back of my throat and up my nose and made a sample.
Mary: Do you mean they took a sample?
Salvo: Yeah, they took a sample.
Mary: Ah, OK, I see.
Salvo: So, you don’t say tampon test?
Mary: (drops her coffee again). NO!! That’s a really strange thing to say, Salvo.
Salvo: Er, why?
Mary: Well, a tampon is something that women use once a month.
Salvo: (silent, mouth open) Uh?
Mary: Yeah, a tampon is “un assorbente”.
Salvo: Oh my God!
Mary: So, when you said you did a tampon test, that sounds… hmm, really strange, Salvo, unless you work in a company that makes tampons.
Salvo: Oh my God!! I’ve been saying to all my international colleagues “I am doing a tampon test” and no-one replied.
Mary: Yeah, I’m not surprised.
Salvo: So, I should say “I did a swab test”, then?
Mary: Yeah, exactly. You did a swab test, not a tampon test.
Salvo: Hmm…. English is really confusing, isn’t it?
Mary: Yeah, I suppose it is. Anyway, what was the result?
Salvo: It was negative.
Mary: Oh, well, thank God for that.
Salvo: Yes, indeed.

Vocabulary and Notes

How’s it going? - Come va?

I beg your pardon? - Mi scusi? 

have / do a test - fare un'esame / test (NOT "make a test")

a swab test - test del tampone

swab - tampone  

cotton bud - cotton fioc (marca di Johnson & Johnson in Italia)

cotton wool - ovatta

cotton swab - cotton floc (US)

Q-tip - cotton fioc (US) di Unilever)

take a sample - prendere un campione

tampon - un assorbente

I did a swab test - ho fatto il tampone

anyway - comunque 

result - risultato

© Robert Dennis 2022, Milan English Blog

"Friendly English" by Derek Allen: a hilarious and moving book written with warmth and a unique sense of humour

I’m currently reading Derek Allen’s “Friendly English”, published by Sperling & Kupfer. It’s a unique blend of autobiography and English language exercise book. It covers many topics normally ignored by conventional language books, e.g. sport (especially football), religion, (real) family relationships and humour. What comes through from this book is Derek’s personality and quirky sense of humour. Written in a conversational and richly-idiomatic style, “Friendly English” is the reading equivalent of spending a few hours in Derek’s company (which is always a delight!).

As with the originator of the “English tailored for Italians” genre, John Peter Sloan (with whom both Derek and I have worked on the Speak Now! series), Derek has managed to strike a careful balance between entertainment and education. Just as John’s brand of humour and insights reflect his experiences  of living in Italy and interacting with Italians, so Derek has also captured the magic and absurdity of being an Englishman in Italy in his own way. (There are many moments that will strike a chord with British expats, such as myself, and which Italian readers will also find revealing.) However, Derek’s approach and voice differ markedly from those of John. “Friendly English” is an incredibly personal and revealing account of key moments in Derek’s life, many of which are both moving and surprising at the same time. (I even found myself laughing out loud at certain points – not something you usually do with an English language course book!) Derek is a natural raconteur and storyteller. He also wears his learning lightly and is able to explore some quite deep subjects with a typically light touch.

The overall impression you get from reading “Friendly English” is of a wry sense of humour combined with a genuinely warm and forgiving personality (i.e. Derek Allen!).

Here’s a typical example of Derek’s finely-honed comic writing skills chosen at random from the book: I’m only 1.65 metres tall and as a result I have a full length portrait in my passport instead of the usual “face and shoulders”.

The book also offers some beautifully-observed details that open a window onto the strange and wonderful place that is Italy. Here’s Derek describing an “epiphany” moment while visiting Trapani in Sicily during his tour of the South:

I was walking along the promenade minding my own business when an old couple sitting on a stone bench called me over with their hands. The man was peeling a peach and wanted to offer me a piece, so I sat down and shared the fruit with them. We couldn’t really communicate at all – we were all gestures and broken-toothed smiles beside a deserted midday beach. I don’t think I’d ever experienced anything so completely unlooked-for in my life.

"Your Bard, mate!" Derek in Shakespearean
 mode from the "Speak Now!" series

However, “Friendly English” is also a well-structured English language book with a wealth of exercises, glossaries, notes, quotations, snippets of history, puns galore and odd facts. You can either read it through as a narrative and sequential course – or you can just dip in and read snippets. (It’s a great “bog read” – a book you can read on the toilet (!) as well as the perfect thing to read when you are moving around the city on the metro or tram.)

Click here to order your copy of "Friendly English" on Amazon.

You can find out more about "Friendly English" and stay up to date with Derek's English activities by visiting the "Friendly English" page on Facebook.

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UPDATE: Derek will be presenting “Friendly English” at the Mondadori Multicenter in Piazza Duomo, Milan on Thursday, 18 October 2012 at 18:30.

Meet Derek Allen and have your copy of “Friendly English” signed by the author!

Find out more: http://www.facebook.com/events/122437037906020/?fref=ts

JOHN PETER SLOAN IN “INSTANT PLAGIARISM” SHOCK!

"Instant English 2" by John Peter Sloan

Loyal readers and fans of John Peter Sloan have expressed outrage and disappointment at the shocking revelations of plagiarism made against his series of “Instant English” books. With the launch of “Instant English 2” only days away, a startling discovery has come to light: John Peter Sloan has actually COPIED all his material from an earlier work – without any acknowledgement or reference to the original.

Published in London in 1907, “Instantaneous English” was the best-selling title written by James Parker Sloope, an itinerant music hall singer and comedian. Sloope achieved a certain level of fame in the early 20th century with his popular stage perfomances, during which he would explain the basics of the English language to those hungry for his unique and humorous delivery. His shows also included a cast of hilarious characters, such as the two pupils at the Basingstoke Academy for Young Ladies, Gwendolen and Beatrix. Best-known for his catch-phrase “The writing instrument lies prostrate upon the desk” and his frequent appearances on seaside piers and in music halls, Sloope also pioneered the use of early recording equipment to immortalise his wit and wisdom. Thomas Edison himself referred to Sloope in New York in 1901: “Bringing Mr Sloope’s ironic discourses to the masses are exactly what I invented the phonograph for”.

It was the chance discovery of a vintage copy of “Instantaneous English” in a second-hand bookshop in Charing Cross Road that led to Sloan being found out. Luca Spicchisi, an Italian student of English on holiday in London,  came across the book while browsing the language titles. “I was shocked,” he explained to journalists, “I already own “Instant English” and was really looking forward to the publication of “Instant English 2” this month. But now I am very upset: Sloan has obviously lifted all his material and ideas from Sloope’s book. All he has done is to update some of the references – for example, Sloope’s brilliant chapter on “How to write personal letters and commercial correspondence” becomes advice on writing emails in Sloane’s book. Quite frankly, I feel cheated.”

Reporters are keen to confront Mr Sloan with the allegations, but a spokesperson for the man who has been dubbed Italy’s first “rockstar of English” said he was unavailable for comment.

The cover of "Instantaneous English" by James Parker Sloope, 1907.